The Nature Spirit in the Eastern Woods

“You should be careful in the eastern woods.  Your Uncles have heard spooky calls out there hunting.”

I looked at my mom and considered carefully what to say next.  Even though I was visiting from college, and old enough to buy my own beer, I suppose my mom will always worry about me, even on a plot of land her side of the family has owned for over 80 years. 

I smiled broadly, “I’ll be safe, I promise.  I’ll be carrying a big knife and one of Uncle Ike’s rifles.  And my phone.  Have fun hanging out with Aunt Connie and don’t worry about me.  Now if you or she gets bored let me remind you that I’m a big fan of that peach cobbler she makes.  I noticed some vanilla ice cream in the freezer.”

She looked at me with a wry smile, “Well I know you take care of yourself just fine every year at school, but still be careful out there.  And carry an extra battery.  I don’t think the cell coverage out there is very good.  Now I don’t know if Aunt Connie was thinking of baking anything today, but I’ll remind her since you asked.”

While my mom’s anxiety is a little overdone, the eastern woods were on the far side of the hill and probably didn’t have a good connection.  In fact, the remoteness was part of the draw to me.  I had hoped to scout out locations for internet-enabled trail cams, and Uncle Mike had already promised me that if I could make them unobtrusive, he’d let me set up some line-of-sight repeaters to get a wi-fi signal and internet available over the whole property.  Maybe later in the summer I could go out with a shovel and put in some solar-powered repeater stations on poles.  On this trip, I’d be carrying a small laptop and an external antenna to try to see where the router attached to the grain silo finally got too attenuated to hold a stable connection. 

I finished my breakfast and hugged Mom.  After getting spritzed with insect repellant and reminded to wear sunscreen I finally made it out the door just as the sun was rising. 

Mom’s family, the Wertz, had bought this farm and lands generations ago from the Tunn family.  The Tunn patriarch, Major Frank Tunn, had been a Revolutionary war veteran.  The local legend is that he was suicidal when he realized that the plots he’d been granted were useless for growing tobacco, but a talking sheep interrupted him as he was loading his shot into the barrel of his gun.  The sheep bleated “Wait fool!  Let me graze!”  Tunn was so shocked he put off his suicide, married a much younger wife of uncertain origin, and became extremely wealthy off of mutton and wool sales.  In town there is a monument to the talking sheep, who Tunn kept as a pet afterwards and named “Pasteur.”  There are still Pasteur-descendent sheep on the farm to this day, but they’ve never said a word, no matter how many times I’ve asked.

My mother’s grandfather had purchased this land from the three youngest Tunn grandchildren.  My Grandpa, Grandpa Wertz, said that all the Tunns he’d ever met looked like they popped out of a magazine, perfect and airbrushed with perfectly smooth skin without any blemishes.  Sadly, I’ve never had the chance to meet any of them; after selling the Tunn farm, the heirs had left for New York and California.

The first part of my trip was easy.  I took an ATV through the built-up part of the farm, and got to the tree-line in about 20 minutes.  From this point on I had about a two hour walk ahead of me.  I checked and had a useable signal on wi-fi, and three bars on my cell phone.  It would be hot later today, but since it was still early it was still in the low 60s.  I did appreciate the tree cover for helping to keep me cooler.  As a boy I had walked down here many times, though usually with my cousins beside me.  I had hoped one or two could come with me, but they’re a little older so they have to work during the week-days.  I planned on getting a job this summer, but first I was going to enjoy some rest here with Mom visiting her brothers Mike and Ike.  They had bought out the other family members, but almost all of the Wertz family had worked here at one point or another for pocket money.  I had worked here too during my high school summers, developing some pretty killer muscles throwing around hay bales.

I had also helped log some of these trees over the years.  The county extension office was pretty sure that these woods were logged regularly for years.  But it seemed to us that the far eastern woods along the little creek were very old and possibly genuine old-growth forest.  Grandpa had found one of the trees had fallen after a storm, and he’d polished up a circle cut from the stump to use as a coffee table.  I had personally counted 410 rings on that table more than once as a kid.  My brother Nick claims there’s 411, but that’s because he always started where there was an extra bit of bark left on it.

I kept walking deeper into the forest, checking the signal every 20 minutes or so.  I also took the opportunity to slash at any plants trying to creep into the foot-path.  Our efforts over the years had kept the path clear, but honeysuckle and morning glories were constantly trying to sneak and grab the extra light dappling through the canopy.  Morning glories had already closed, but white, yellow, and red honeysuckles were all blooming heavily, adding a very sweet smell to the air, and there was a constant buzz from the bees and wasps hunting for nectar.  I had gone away to school in Pittsburgh, and I had missed getting to walk in nature like I could here.  Despite its many charms, Schenley Park was no match for a place like this. 

Here I could detect no sound of human activity.  And if I had gone off path, I would quickly have lost my last visual reminder of human activity too.  I may have years of experience in the woods, but I and my cousins had all gotten lost enough times to realize that even with a GPS we needed to be careful and watch ourselves.  Mom’s concern, if exaggerated, was not entirely unfounded.  One time even Uncle Ike got lost:  all the batteries in his gear went dead as he was deep in the woods tracking a buck and nighttime fell faster than he could get his bearings.  He built a small fire for the night and was fine, but everyone could tell he was aggravated to get caught out like that.

I had turned around a little bend, and I checked my cell phone and computer.  Here it was official:  no signals.  I tried calling some numbers to verify, but no, nothing.  I was now outside of phone range, and no Wi-Fi from the farm was left.  I felt a little surge of adrenaline.  It was silly, of course. If I ran I was less than an hour from where I left the ATV; if I walked 5 minutes the other way I’d be back in phone range.  But mentally it did make a difference now that I was beyond an instant phone call for help.  I fingered the handle of the knife and kept walking deeper into the forest.

After another 30 minutes I sat down at a boulder along the path.  I double-checked my phone and verified no signal.  I drank a little water from my bottle and inhaled the fresh air.  It was starting to get quite hot, and I took the opportunity to re-apply sunscreen and bug spray.  I felt surprisingly tired.  The cicadas were droning loudly overhead, and the sweet flowery air probably contributed.  When I got to the stream, I might take the opportunity for a dip.  It was spring fed and the deepest parts were always cool, but the fish in there were too small to bother with.  Just lots of minnows and killies.

My break finished, I started back on the path.  I had a feeling it took a moment to understand.  Then realized what I was feeling.  I was finally relaxed.  Being out here, in nature, without any deadlines or immediate responsibilities felt great.  I smiled and sighed, and kept walking.

Another thirty minutes, and the path was now steeply downhill.  I could finally hear the water, but I couldn’t see it yet.  Our property line was down the side of the hill’s slope.  On the other side of the stream the utility company owned it and had a chain-link fence in place with No Trespassing signs every 50 feet or so.  Every couple of months they’d go through and bushhog everything on their side of the fence, but otherwise they were rarely out in this area.  Our side of the line the property was wild, other than the little path we maintained to this spot.  If I wanted to, I could walk along the little stream all the way to where it got bigger and made its way into town, but that would be a 4-hour detour on the way home.

I made the final steps to the clearing in front of the stream.  But I was shocked by what I saw:  a giant snake!  Sunning beside the stream was the largest snake I’d ever seen in the woods.  It was huge, sized more like a python than a black rat snake.  The head was brightly golden colored.  I had gasped in surprise, and had jumped back toward the trail.  My heart was racing, but I tried to stay calm.  Despite how big it looked, and its golden head, it was probably just a black rat snake.  And rat snakes aren’t poisonous.  Laughing nervously, I said “Mr. Snake, I don’t want to hurt you, and I definitely don’t want you to hurt me.  Could you, uh, move along?”

The snake pointed its big angular-shaped head towards me and began undulating its coils.  Amazingly it started to slither away.  I watched as it quickly slid away back into the brush beside the river.  I sighed and realized I had just been spooked by a snake.  Maybe being in college in a big city had made me a little rusty with my backcountry skills.

I looked again towards where the snake disappeared, and called out, “Thank you.”

Taking a moment to breath, I pulled off my backpack and decided to confirm again that there was no signal here.  I also got a little annoyed, realizing that I should have taken a picture of that record-breaking snake.  The phone had no signal, and I sat down and popped open my laptop to check for any wi-fi.  While distracted and fiddling with the computer I heard a little cough.  I looked around, and to my amazement, standing and watching me from the other side of the stream was a smiling, gorgeous young woman, wearing only a tiny bikini, with bright blond hair and light green eyes.  I stared for what felt like an eternity and finally realized that she was waiting for me to say something.

Gathering my wits, I stammered out, “Oh, uh, hello.  The Wertz are my family.  Are you from around here?”  I could feel my face flushing in embarrassment.  I had not expected to see anyone.  Certainly not a girl, and even more unlikely to see one who was so, well, breathtakingly hot.

The woman started laughing, and answered “Hello yourself!  My name’s Diamond.  Like the rock.  Did you come out all this way to play on your computer?”  She put her hands on her hips.

“Well no, I am looking to see if there’s any wi-fi or cell service out here.  My family was hoping to put up some trail cams.  Other than that, I was just enjoying a day out.”  I stood up, closing the lid on the laptop and stuffing it back in my backpack.

Diamond looked at me for a moment, and raised her eyebrow.

“Oh, sorry, my name is Ben.  It looks like you were, uh, sunbathing?”

She smiled again, this time with an additional twinkle in her eye as little dimples formed on her cheeks.

“Something like that.  I’m usually walking the fence as security for…” she gestured towards the Utility fence.  “But today was my day off.  I was planning on taking a swim before you scared off that snake.”

My heart sank.  Any chance I had of looking cool was ruined.  “You saw that?”

She giggled, “The whole thing.  I guess you only had eyes for the snake, I was right here the whole time.”

I was genuinely confused, how on earth had I not seen this girl?  Am I really that clueless?

“Wow, if I had seen you first I might not have noticed the snake.” I tried to make a joke, “I guess I’m lucky; if you were the snake you could have bit me before I even saw you.”

Now both her eyebrows popped up, and her mouth made a little “oh.”  She pulled her arms in front of her and looked down a moment, and then she looked at me impishly, “You know, I would give you a warning if I was going to bite you, Ben.  Maybe hiss a little, shake my tail.  It’s only fair to give a warning.”

I laughed happy that she was playing along, “Well I’m glad to hear it.  I don’t know if you were hoping to be alone, but if you don’t mind the company why don’t you come over here to my side of the creek.  We arranged the rocks over here to make it easier to sit years ago.  I’ve got some snacks if you want?”  I gestured towards my backpack.

Diamond smiled again brightly and rubbed her hands together, “I was hoping you would invite me over.  I know the creek is the property line.  I didn’t want to come over without permission.”  And with that she walked to the water’s edge, and slowly lowered herself into the creek.  It’s a little deeper here, and fairly narrow, so it only took her two strokes to arrive on my side.  As she climbed out of the water, I noticed that the fabric clung very tightly to her perfectly smooth clear skin colored warm tan.  It seemed to me she ‘glowed’ with vitality and youth.  Embarrassed again, knowing I’m gawking like an idiot, I turn my face away and bend down to pull out the snacks I’d carried with me to try to save face.

“Yeah, I brought some trail mix, some meat sticks, some energy bars, and uh, a can of beer.  Still cold, it’s insulated…”  I felt Diamond tap my shoulder.   Still crouching, I turned around and was presented with a pair of very shapely legs.

“Oh, may I have a meat stick?  That’s preserved, like jerky, right?”

“Uh, yes.  Right.  Here you go.” I looked up at her and handed her the snack.  She ripped it open and began chomping on the beef.

“It’s very tasty, but a little dry.”

“Yeah, here would you like some water?”  I handed her my water bottle, she sipped it and looked at me.

“Thank you, that was also very tasty.”  She handed the bottle back to me, and I noticed a small drop of water drip from her mouth.  Her lips looked very soft and pink, she smiled at me as I arose.

“You know, it was very nice of you to share some of your lunch with me.  Maybe you could help me out with something else?”  Her eyes were twinkling mischievously.

I looked at Diamond, who gestured back towards the deep part of the creek.

“You need help in the creek?”

She giggled, “I want someone to go swimming with in the creek.”

I laughed, “I didn’t bring a bathing suit.  I didn’t expect any company.”

She smiled again, “You don’t need a bathing suit, silly.”

Was she asking me to go skinny-dipping?  With her?

I laughed, “It’s not fair.  You have a bathing suit.  I don’t want to get my outfit wet.”

She looked at me and cocked her head at me, “Not fair?”

“Right, you have a bathing suit.  I didn’t bring one.”

“Oh.”  She looked down, then looked up again.  “Tell you what Ben…” She pulled off her top.  Then her bottom.  “Now you!”

Sure, there was a chance someone could stop by and I would look like a dork.  But on the other hand, I had never been invited to go skinny-dipping with a smoking-hot woman before.

I looked Diamond up and down, appreciating the view.  She was about 5’4, and very fit.  Her hair was wet and slicked back.  She had thin, very blond eyebrows above her large almond-shaped green eyes.  Otherwise, I did not see a hair on her.  Her face was roughly triangular.  Her body was very lean, with a tiny waist that emphasized her firm round breasts and muscular bottom, the only other softness was just beneath her clearly visible abs.  Even now completely disrobed there was no sign of any blemish, wrinkle, or even a freckle.  I inhaled, feeling my heart pounding in my chest and a few butterflies in my stomach, I did my best to stay cool.

“Diamond, you make a very persuasive argument.” 

I pulled off my shirt, and started unbuckling my pants.  After I made a neat pile of my clothes and set them on my backpack.  Diamond took my hand and we walked over to the creek.  I got in and felt the sand at the bottom squish on my feet.  Diamond slipped in next, and we faced each other in the water.

Over the years my cousins and I had all hopped into the creek.  But it was really too small to accommodate more than two adult sized people at once.  But there was enough room in this little pocket of the stream for both of us.

I said, “Well, I wasn’t expecting this when I went out today.  But it’s not a bad way to cool off, is it?”

Diamond dipped her head under the water, and popped back up, her blond hair now glinting wet in the sun.  “Not bad at all.  I was hoping I would get some company.”

I looked at her, “Well, I can’t imagine it’s hard for you to get a boyfriend if you want one.”

She giggled again, a bell-like laugh that echoed against the water. “I guess I can get a boyfriend if I want one.  Maybe you should audition.”  She put her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

Now here, I must admit, I screwed up.  In my defense, I was younger, and dumber.  And the shocking speed of the situation’s development gave me no time to let my cooler head prevail.  But in the moment and without hesitation I kissed Diamond, and while I’m still embarrassed by how quickly I jumped at the opportunity, I can’t say that I felt anything other than bewildered excitement at the time.

She responded, positively, and things went as they do between a man and a woman very quickly.  I came at her hard and she took it all.  And then again.  And again.  And again.  Finally, after two hours of intense activity I reluctantly pulled away and washed one last time in the creek.  The warm sun felt great and I knew I had a thin blanket in my backpack I could use to set up a little spot to nap.

Diamond came out of the water, too.  She looked positively radiant in the sunlight, and I sighed, but however willing the spirit, my body was not in a condition to continue our shenanigans.  I quickly set an alarm on my phone.

“I’ve got to take a nap, Diamond.  I think you wore me out.  I haven’t had a workout like that, ever.”

She smiled, “Neither have I.”  She looked at me with a strange look in her eye.  “Did you bring some sunscreen; you don’t look like you get a lot of sun.  I’ll feel bad if you get sunburn.”

“Good idea.”  I pulled out the bottle from my backpack and handed it to Diamond.  I started putting it on my body.  Diamond told me to lie down and she would do my back.  I did and fell asleep immediately as she was putting the lotion on my back.

I had not expected to fall asleep so quickly, and so soundly.  But eventually I awoke in a daze, hearing the beep-beep-beep from my phone’s alarm clock.  I tried to reach to turn it off when I realized I was wrapped tightly in something.  Had I gotten twisted up on the towel?  I tried again, and couldn’t budge.  I could turn my head to see my backpack, but something was holding my arms and legs down tightly.

“Oh, you’re awake!”  She muttered something, “How do I turn this thing off?” I must have turned over in my sleep, and Diamond was standing over me, holding my phone.

“Drag your finger over the front screen to turn it on and then drag the little front slide to ‘Alarm Off’.  But more importantly can you see why my arms are stuck!”  I was annoyed, but not yet registering as being in any greater danger.

Diamond switched off the alarm and sat down beside me.  “Oh that.  You see, the plants around here were getting jealous.  I told them that you could take care of them, too.”

“Huh?”

Diamond giggled.  “I may have used a little magic, too, to help them grow quickly to grab you.  But really, those vines wanted to join in the action.  They were sure you could go at least one more round.  And I wanted to make sure you would be sticking around a while.”

“Magic?  What are you talking about?  You’re saying the vines have wrapped themselves around me?”  I, tried pulling again, but these plants were as strong as rope.  I could not pull myself up and all four limbs were being held by plants wrapped around my hands and ankles.

Diamond gently started stroking between my legs, “Relax, I just have to make sure a few things about you.  You’re a little confused because you didn’t sleep long enough.  Go back to sleep now. Everything will be fine when you wake up.  Your silly alarm interrupted the process.”  The stroking with fingers stopped, and was quickly replaced by something much wetter, warmer, and softer.

I groaned with pleasure, and Diamond started kissing me, deeply.  But if her tongue was in my mouth, what was down there sucking?  I jerked back and looked at Diamond, who laughed again, “Yes, the flowers.  Relax Ben.  You’ll feel so much better in a moment.”  Before I could do anything else, the ‘activity’ sped up, and I finished again.  The restraints all dramatically weakened, and I could pull my arms and legs free.  I pulled my head up and looked down past my stomach to see a huge flower similar to a giant white Iris tightly surrounding my dick.  “Uh Diamond.  What the hell is going on here.  Is that a flower sucking my dick?”  Angry and surprised, I jolted straight up, but my body was not ready for it at all.  I immediately fell back down.

“Ben, I was trying to tell you.  The plants were jealous.  I didn’t think you’d mind.  People pluck flowers all the time without asking, so plants feel the same way about,” she giggled softly, “plucking a little joy from a human.”

I looked over at Diamond, who was now lying next to me and lazily running her fingers down my chest.  Now a little alarmed, I noticed a musky-sweet floral smell in the air.  “Diamond, something’s wrong.  Why am I so tired?  I’m a twenty-one-year-old guy in good health.  Sex should not be that tiring.  And I just hallucinated a fucking plant fucking me!”

Diamond sighed.  “You didn’t hallucinate that.  I was trying to tell you that the plant was having sex with you.  You definitely seemed into it.”

“I was unconscious!  I probably thought it was you”

She laughed, “Well it was me, too.  Why should the water-iris get all the fun?  Besides your body jumped to satisfy the flower-tongue.”

I could tell something was off with my decision-making, because instead of immediately gathering all of my effort to put my clothes back on and leave I was still enjoying the stroke, stroke, stroke of Diamond’s fingers.  My heart rate was slowing and my breath and hers began running in a slow soothing rhythm.  She gently turned my head and looked at me with her bright green eyes.

Diamond whispered, “Ben, I want you to be honest with me.  You can trust me.  Why did you come out here to the woods?”  I shuddered, unable to look away from her.  It was impossible for me to do anything but tell her the truth.

“I wanted to figure out where to put wi-fi repeaters to set up trail cams to watch the animals in the woods.”

“Is that the only thing?”

“Yes.  There are other benefits, too.  Like if someone needed medical assistance, they could call for it more easily.  But for me, I wanted to be able to see the trail life, even when I was away at school.”

Her eyes were even brighter green, “So you missed this place?  That’s what you were trying to do?”

“Yes, I suppose.  I hadn’t thought of it that way, but that makes sense.  I probably wanted to have a connection to a place I loved even when I was away at school in Pittsburgh.”

Diamond put her index finger on my lips and made a ‘shush’ sound.  She spoke quietly, “I do not want you to set up a wi-fi repeater into these woods.  You don’t understand, but it’s very loud and interferes with the woods.  Your kind do not understand the wild.  You need to let this area be quiet.  It’s fine if you visit and are sensitive to the woods.  I liked getting to know you today, but if you put in any wi-fi devices in the eastern woods I will destroy them and I will curse anyone who mistreats these lands.  Do you understand?”

What harm could a wi-fi signal do?  What does she mean, loud?  I shook my head, no.

She smiled and she continued staring into my eyes, “You don’t understand?  Your wi-fi repeater is for the internet, right?  If you put a wi-fi signal out here, then anything that comes over the repeater is ‘heard’ in a way to every sensitive thing out here in the forest.  I can ignore it and use it if I wish, but your telecommunications equipment interferes with some of the subtle magic of this place.  This little forest has a supernatural protector, but her work would be harder if the internet was here.  I must insist:  no wi-fi. No internet in this wild wood.  Now do you understand?”

The magnetic pull of Diamond’s glowing green eyes was impossible to resist.  I nodded yes.  I immediately felt a wave of relief flow through my body.  I understood, that was Diamond’s relief!  I had felt her emotion inside of me.  She was smiling, and I was smiling.

I spoke, “You could have just explained it to me.  My family has owned these lands for years and tried to take care of them.  We don’t want to hurt anything.”

Diamond laughed softly, “I needed to be sure.  After all, I could have asked you and you could have said yes and changed your mind after leaving.  For security’s sake I needed to make sure it would stick.  If you hadn’t woken up at the wrong time, I would have given it to you as a hypnotic suggestion.  But now I see that even that may not be enough.  You never thought it could hurt anything.  I think I may need to take a more proactive approach...”

“You’re not security for the utility company.  You’re some kind of nature spirit, aren’t you?”

She blushed, “Yes.  I apologize for misleading you, but I didn’t want to scare you to death.  It’s better for my kind to gently introduce ourselves to humans.  You are nice, though.  I like you.  That’s why I’m happy that I won’t need to do anything drastic to protect the woods.”

I started slowly, “You mean, if I was a problem,” I paused, “You would have done something, uh, bad?”

She laughed, “Not too bad.  Since you’re cute, I probably would have turned you into a snake to join me in protecting the woods.”

“Hold up!  You were the snake?”

She giggled again, and made a little hissy sound with her mouth, and then she flicked a long thin tongue six-inches to tickle my nose.

“You were the snake!  I didn’t not see you; I did see you!”

“Yes.  You did, silly.  But I needed you to think I was a human so that you wouldn’t be spooked and so I could get to know you and enchant you a little to make sure I could get the truth out of you.  Humans are well-known liars, even to themselves, so they don’t even realize they are lying.  It’s one of the flaws of your species that causes everyone a lot of problems.”

Diamond was probably right.  “So now what are you going to do?  I promise that I’ll do what I can to avoid anyone setting up any interference in the area, but there’s only so much I can do.”

Diamond looked at me for a moment, pursed her lips, and then pulled me up to a seated position.  “Cute human Ben, you clearly need help.”

“Huh?”

She smiled broadly. “I’m usually busy here in the woods.  I can’t leave.  But I have some brother and sister spirits who are retired from security work.  They can negotiate into the human world and help make sure that the nature of the wild wood is respected.  You’re single, and so is your Uncle Ike, right?  I think you two may meet some very attractive women shortly.  And you clearly can’t say no to a snake-woman, so I’m pretty sure you’ll hit it off.”  She giggled in contemplation of her matchmaking work.

“Wait, you mean you’ll find a woman to seduce Uncle Ike?  And me?”

She patted me on my head, “Exactly.  In your case not hard at all.  I’ve observed all of your family here in the woods, and you’ve generally been respectful.  A little help from the natural spirits and I think everything will work out fine.  Your predecessors on this land were called the Tunns.  Tunn didn’t realize it at first, but he married a forest-spirit.  She was able to support him quite ably, but she loved her life with him too much to tell her children the truth about their origins.  Your people’s ignorant striving is fascinating.”

This was blowing my mind.  “So, how old are you?  And there are more of you?  How come no one has ever seen you before?”

She laughed, “There are many of us, but we don’t normally want to be seen.  And a shaman hasn’t been through this way for centuries.  I’m about 30 thousand years old, but I prefer to always look like I’m 18.  What do you think?”

I laughed too at the mad absurdity of it all, “Not a day over 29 thousand, as far as I’m concerned.”

Diamond and I shared lunch, and I asked if she wanted to come home with me.  She declined politely, saying her work was going to keep her busy here in the woods.  After my meal, the magic that had been cast on me had dissipated, and I felt much more normal.

We kissed again.  A very slow kiss. We hugged tightly.  I looked at Diamond and realized that perfect little tears were falling from her eyes.  She smiled one last time, looked down, and then I looked again and she was gone.

I walked back towards home.  It was later than I had originally anticipated, of course, but I still made it home before twilight due to the long summer days.

That night, over peach cobbler and ice cream I advised Uncle Mike that we can put repeaters on the built-up farm sections, but that on second thought out in the woods I realized it was better to have a place where someone could truly be disconnected from the world.  He agreed and let the matter rest.  Mom was just happy I returned without sunburn or getting any cuts.  Of course, I said nothing to her about the full extent of my adventures.

Later that night, I talked to Uncle Ike and returned his rifle to him, and let him know he may be meeting a new girl soon.  He laughed, called me a dumbass, and said that if a girl showed up that he liked and could put up with his BS it would only be because it was a miracle.

He married Aunt Opal later that year. Forever afterwards he would affectionately call me “Dumbass Nostradamus.”

As for me?  It turned out that Diamond had something special lined up for me.

But that’s a story for another time.

The End.